Exercise Tips for Home Improvement: Alexandra Williams :: Your Crack is Wack! Or
Should I say “Wiak” as in “Bartkowiak”? (editor’s note :: my last name)
JB asked me to write a post to help carpenters get into shape. I think his exact words were, “Why are you following me? Please go away.” But because I find carpenter-types so entrancing, I decided instead to write some exercise recommendations for those of you who are bent forward for hours on end, leading to sore backs, weak abs (known as Budweiser tumors), over-stretched upper backs, over-tight chest & shoulder muscles and major butt crackage! (please see http://www.buildingmoxie.com/2010/08/paul-lesieur-is-there-a-science-to-remodeling/ for the strong correlation between the Crack and the Mariana Trench).
Okay, the butt crack problem is more of an aesthetic, “who lets you out of the house dressed like that” thing than a fitness issue, but still…..In any case, I feel qualified to comment due to my many years’ experience staring at averting my eyes from carpenters whose pants never quite cover their full assets!
First of all, that bending forward thing you all do is technically known as lookee here babes forward flexion. Have you noticed how much your lower back hurts after a while? The solution is to get a girlfriend do some back extension moves. And here are some for your enjoyment:
Cobra -
And here are some to strengthen the back so you won’t look all Hunchback of Baltimore after a few months (editor’s note: who me?! and I don’t really see tough guys like me using a ball. Ha!):
Stability Ball Shoulder Stabilization -
Stability Ball Reverse Extensions -
For these exercises, you only need a stability ball, gravity, a clean floor or mat, determination and someone to taunt you mercilessly until you do them encourage you. If you happen to own a home gym, I’ll be happy to give you more exercises that will have you tangled up in cable wires for weeks! In a good way, naturally!
For those abs I can just guess you’ve done crunches upon crunches. So many crunches that you own stock in Crunch Berries.(<< our first cereal plug.) Hasn’t helped much, has it? You might look super hot, but when it comes to holding that poor old spine in place, pfffftttt. Because Crunch Berries involve a captain with an eye patch, I am now thinking of pirates. And if you don’t do what I say, I’ll make you walk the plank! Actually, if you do what I say, you should just lie in the prone position and wait for me with your eyes closed do the plank. For extra fun, do the plank with one leg up. Or both. . . You first.
Now that I’ve given you some hot tips to be all fit and comfortable, let’s return to the crackage package you’ve been sporting. It is not attractive. I’ve yet to meet a woman or man who finds that to be a “look” that should catch on. That doesn’t stop us from staring, but that’s because we are drawn in by your voodoo love beam optimistic! And if you cannot find work pants that cover your Continental Divide, can you at least get a razor that goes over hill and dale?
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Note from the hosts: Ahhhhh! “voodoo love beam” @AlexandraFunFit. First — I feel I need to say: Some of you know us . . . and especially over the last few weeks – you could hop on twitter and find AFF & I (in the stream) flirting so hard it would make a Hell’s Angel blush. Right Rich?
But . . . really on the side, we were working out (<< I can be witty too) what would become this post. In fact, I have been bugging my brother-in-law, who owns a gym, to write something like this for more than a year. I think you’ll agree, glad he didn’t.
You see . . . we were doing something all professional-like and AFF is a real pro (she even teaches at a real university and stuff). You can find her blogging (with her twin sister — Kymberly) at http://www.funandfit.org. Thanks again A! A practical and fun post. ~ jb bartkowiak
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I’m going to take your “twittilation” and add it to Paul’s “Undead or something” comment and make something clever out of it.
And at what time are you steeled up and ready for the proffered viewing? I’ll bring binoculars and a few friends – for purely scientific reasons (tan line comparison survey).
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Well done, Alexandra!
Not only is this article very fun to read, but it’s incredibly helpful. You’ve diligently analyzed the types of recurring physical motions that homebuilder types go through everyday and recommend strengthing and flexibility exercises to protect against them. It’s information that’s not only highly valuable for one’s health and well being, but also, quite frankly, often hard to come by.
Thanks for the great posting!
~John
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Thank you John. Your first sentence describes exactly the reason we started our blog – be fun; be helpful. Of course, the bonus is getting to taunt you along the way. Sadly, I don’t know any software code jokes!
I can’t wait for the carpenter workout tour, though! I could really hammer home the benefits of flexibility & strength.
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#5 written by Paul Lesieur 1 year ago
Hey, great post and I sensed a little tongue in cheek opinion and I live for that. Seriously, exercise is the only thing I’ve done that helps lower back pain, as the workforce ages educating it’s members on healthy work practices becomes important.
As far as the “ahem” problem when clothing doesn’t cover your gap, I find triple expanding foam will span adequately, of course changing into different clothing later takes more time.
Paul L-
Hey Paul:
You haven’t met me yet, which is mostly sad for you, but I have enjoyed your posts here. I sometimes have my tongue in my cheek, yes. But when it comes to JB, I sort of have my tongue hanging out my mouth with little droolie bits. It’s very appealing!
Triple expanding foam? Does that work in a bra?
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Alexandra,
This is, by far, the best, most succinct, and funniest fitness piece I’ve read…a “crack-up” so to speak.
I agree with all above, specifically John Poole for acknowledging how well suited the piece is to the needs of this particular market.
I’ve long suffered low back issues and am pain free as a result of using the exercises you call out (but discovering the exercises, for me, through trial and error, took far longer absent your laser-like focus.)
They work! Where have you and your wisdom been hiding?
Thanks,
mjh
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Oh, that was a line just waiting for you to come along! But let me ask you this – what would a “crack-down” be? I”m sorry you suffered with back pain, yet glad you found a solution. My laser-like focus usually results in me getting into trouble with Rich….and John…..oh, JB too. But I don’t call it that. I call it my voodoo love beam. Stole that from JB.
Thanks.
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Yoga helps back pain tremendously. Inversion tables are also great.
Anyone else think of whale tails while reading this? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Whale_tail
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She is so right. The Cobra and Dog poses come from yoga. I personally don’t know how to relax, but yoga is excellent. I have such low BP and issues with vertigo that I am not a big fan of the inversion tables, but they are definitely a good back-care choice.
And I had to restrain myself (not sure why as I didn’t otherwise) from going with the whale tails! And “sexy” is not the right word for that look. Ewwwww.
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#15 written by Paul Lesieur 1 year ago
Alexandra, it is my loss to not have met you, your obviously a dangerous woman and that’s always more fun than meeting the president of Woman Who Crave Chocolate Club, although in the right frame of mind that might be fun also.
As to what works in a bra, I’ve been told the sure and confident touch of an experienced carpenter is sometimes desirable,
Ooooh! Did I just say that? -
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#17 written by Paul Lesieur 1 year ago
It’s nice to meet someone who is boldly unashamed of their behavior, the world is sorely lacking in that.
For holding power and compressive strength the foam is unparalleled. I’m sure it would do any thing required of it.
Yes, I love the word superfluous, especially since I now enunciate (another good word) it correctly.
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A blacksmith I know took up dance because as he put it: “You should never consider what you do for a living to be exercise. In our work we find physical shortcuts to make the work easier.” It makes sense, but it also has stuck with me over time and made me think about how to inject exercise back into my job.
It was great to see the Yoga poses included in your piece.
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I take some slight comfort knowing the twittallation blatantly displayed recently has resulted in this set of masterful recommendations for the trades in the trenches (with the trenches?). At least somewhat mollified…. and a little jealous.
Personal note: while not suffering from Budweiser bulges or cavernous posterior crevices, I am painfully aware of the balance of symptoms. Advice well given and taken; my intentions are golden, if not steeled. Further note: any low-slung rear views are fully conscious on my part, so stare away… tan lines only enhance.